Start- beginning of may. =]


Hopefully completed before band awards. Gotta be skinny for them. No one wants to give an award to a fatttttyyyyyy.

 What is your Favorite

Makeup: Uh prob. Maybelline. But I don't wear too much makeup.
Shampoo: Hmm...idk. Aussie probably. It smells great.
Face Wash: Clean&Clear
Perfume: Lacoste Touch of Pink
Lotion: Idk...don't really use it much.
Self Tanner: Don't self tan.

Ideal Outfit 
Day: Jeans, cute shirt, lots of necklaces, cute bracelet, flats 
Night: Depends on the situation. Usually it's the same as the day clothes.

Bag: I hate purses.
Clothing Line: Vanity, Forever 21, Sofee
Designer: Don't buy designer clothes. 
Bra: Uh I get mine at Kohls

Workout: Anything set to upbeat music. I love our ab workouts in gym.
Low Cal Food: Diet Mt. Dew and a green apple.
Drink: Diet Mt. Dew
Binge Food: I hate binge foods, but the one that sets me off most is mashed potatoes.
Random

if you could have someone elses body: Hmm...the girl that was in my study hall last year. Omg, amazing bod.
what you want to be when you grow up: Band teacher possibly. But I've never told anyone...I'm afraid they'll laugh at me.
why do you come here: So I don't feel as alone.
when are you happiest: When my jeans start getting baggy. When I completed a fast. When Brad talks to me.
what you do to de stress: Uh...get on the computer usually.
do you have a pet: Dog- Mickey
country: My favorite? Well I've only been in America.
dream vacation: Hm...Ireland. Then somewhere warm.
boyfriend: No.
ideal day: 70's, slight breeze, just lost a few pounds, riding my bike through the country or something. Alone time. =) Oh and no school.
favorite book: Twilight series.
favorite magazine: Seventeen, of course.
worse experience of your life: Uh...can't say I actually have a worst. Idk how to compare all of my bad experiences.

My scale is...broken? I'm not sure. It works about half the time. So I'll be posting measurements soon and [sorta] be going by that. Maybe measure once a week or something. Then, to satisfty my motivational needs, I'll just keep weighing myself 20,000,000 times a day like I always do.

The cuts are pretty shallow...They'll heal in a week or so.

Today:
1 bottle of water
1 bottle of diet mt dew
no exercise. it's raining. my legs hurt. tonight i'll try to do 2-300 crunches.
i'm fasting tomorrow too.

Today during lunch, my head kept repeating "The greasy fry, it cannot lie, its truth is written on your thigh" over and over and over. Yet it wasn't annoying. And it kept speeding up. It's all I could concentrate on. But I've gotten thinner in the thighs. It's my stomach that's bulging out now. Hence me doing crunches tonight. I can't take this. Honestly, I thought people were full of bullshit when they said that Ana was their only friend. But now it seems so true. So real. I mean...she's always there. When I fuck up, she doesn't tell me that it's okay, and I'll get it right next time. I HATE that. She gives me the truth. Truth is what I seek out of life.

So I had my section leader interview today...it went well. They told me the usual-- I'm the best player, great work ethic, tons of potential, but I have an odd personality that can be hard to relate to which basically means I'm weird. They said that I've improved a LOT though, and that it's really been noticeable and better. And I talked about how I've really put effort into changing some of my bad habits. They also said that if any of us don't get it, we'll be bitter and might take it out on the section. But I told him that I wouldn't. Ever. Because the whole reason I'm applying is because I want to better the section, and to take my bitterness out on the section would be condescending what I'm doing. He thought it was great that I said that.

Ah but if I am section leader, no one will ever take me seriously. No one takes a fat person seriously. Even I don't. I mean the only reason people pay attention to fat people is because they're funny, right? Ugh. So annoying. I wish the fat would melt off faster. =( I'm fasting tomorrow, too.

Yes. I have to myself. My binge last night. Every binge I've ever done.
Sorry will never change it on the scales. =/
I hate myself. Like you don't even know, and it's tearing me apart.
Also, many other things.
The boy that liked another girl when he was dating me. He talked about her while we were slow-dancing at semi-formal. Awful, right? Never forgave him. But I don't think he apologized...
Everything my brother has ever done to me. I don't think I hold the ability to forgive him anymore...for anything. It's awful. I mean life is based on second chances, is it not? Yet I'll never forgive him. And I'm okay with that.
My father. I used to always forgiving him for never calling. Now I don't. It's been a year and a half since I called him. The only time I talked to him was when I went to his house to get my play station back. And I was a bitch to him. Nope. Don't regret it. And still don't forgive him for making my life a fucking hellhole. I hate him.
My mom. She'll never understand me, partially because she never tries. I don't hate her. I love her. But I don't forgive her. Nothing will fix this all.
Other than these people, I've pretty much forgiven everyone. Or I can't think of anything.

 

binged. cut. yelled at family.

could this day get any worse?

there's a big ole "FAT" carved on my stomach, and i have p.e. tomorrow.
not to mention the other 5 cuts on my stomach and 3 on my left wrist.
i couldn't stop.

...im so full. a cup of chicken noodles. 4 servings of mashed potatoes (that ALONE is 600 cals), a few bites of ice cream, and a chocolate cookie. and like a cup of milk. cookie is probably 250 or 300. ice cream was probably 100. chicken noodles were probably 250. soooo...1250? fucking ridiculous. i hate myself. and i couldnt purge! it wouldn't come up! ive probably gained 3 pounds.

exercise for today: walked 1 hour (approx. 3 miles) and rode bike about an hour-ish. (3 or so miles) BUT we did archery in gym, so no exercise there.
bike-348 burned.
walking- 261
total: 609
NOT enough. holy fucking wow, i only burned off like half my binge. i hate myself. i hate my life. i hate everything. i wish i could just be thin.
you know what? i told myself "i'll stop when i'm thin. i swear, as soon as i'm like a 3, i'll stop"
well you know what?
i don't want to stop until i have to. i don't care if i die anymore. if i'm going to, might as well do it when i feel like it, and i feel like dying when i'm thin.

And  for the record, I delete my posts once there are like 10 or 15, because i don't like having a lot. So no, I'm not some person who "randomly decided to not eat" or whatever. I've had anorexia for over a year. I don't think I've mentioned that before? Well now you know. I'm off to do some more posting and such, then my hw, so byee!

 ah i'm getting back on track.
i've binged like the past 3 days in a row. horrible right? and what's worse is that people are ALWAYS home, so i couldn't purge.

today:
1 green apple
1 bite of chicken.

but since i'm used to the food, i'm hungry again and it's only 7:49

oh and guess what! all the weight i've lost from my fast, i gained back! yeah. great. well everything except 1.5 or 2 pounds. so i gained about 5 pounds back. i can't take it. i want to lost all of this so badly!

...make that 2 bites of chicken. i just went downstairs, couldn't resist, and i feel like shit.
i have a diet mt dew. i'm too hungry. i just feel like giving in. but you know what? i always feel like shit after, so i won't.

wow that pop made me feel better. well i've only had half, but i feel less like bingeing and more like losing my blubber.
byee.<3